Because there's no such thing as too much cheese. Unrolling the braciole of consciousness; shaping the meatball of life. Because everything is funny; you just need to view it from the proper angle. Good for cats. Made in Poland. Because everything is like a hat. You know how those gorillas can be... Very unforgiving.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Q-Tips -- The trademarked brand name of a cotton-tipped swab popularly used to dislodge accumulations of ear wax from the ear canal.

If you're a Mastandrea there is, of course, more to the story. Mastandrea babies will naturally consume massive quantities of milk, bread, cookies, soppresatta, provolone, and sfogliatelle. In doing so they will both ingest air and create conditions in the digestive tract for the development of additional gas. This intestinal gas can cause tremendous discomfort unless discharged, either on its own or as part of a full bowel movement.

Apparently, the lowly Q-Tip may be wielded as a sword in the battle against these debilitating intestinal cramps. Quoth the pediatrician: remove crying baby's diaper, procure clean Q-Tip, drag Q-Tip through a jar of petroleum jelly, insert Q-Tip into baby's, er, evacuation route... Stand back.

This methodology is so effective that even the threat of its deployment is sufficient to mollify a cranky baby. So striking is the technique that upon seeing it performed (first thing in the morning, I just got out of the shower and was holding a Q-Tip clenched between my cheeks: "Hey Steve, is there something wrong with my ass?") one is convinced it is simply a horrible nightmare and prays for swift deliverance.