I'm reading a book about the Yugo, once the cutting edge of Serbo-Croatian automotive technology. And a car that would fit into just about any NYC parking spot -- bonus.

Some people think this is funny. Not me.

Well, pardon me. I was vigorously reminded today that the villain in Bubba Ho Tep was not an alien invader. Alane and Da Chimpz seemed surprised that I would have muddled the scintillating plot line in which the elderly and infirm Elvis (with the help of a paranoid JFK) battles an ancient mummy curse.

Of course it would be that...

Tonight I want to have a campfire. Drink some port. Watch the concrete cure. That's livin.'

Mojo got Bloomberged this week. I asked him earlier in the week if he was looking forward to the new routines they give sixth graders as part of their "junior high" experience. It was characteristically pathetic to hear that the one thing that made him happiest would be the option to buy soda at lunch -- something that wouldn't have mattered to Cookie last year because he doesn't drink the stuff.

Well, imagine Mojo's disappointment yesterday when he learned there would be no more soda for sale in the cafeteria. It was like when NY changed the drinking age on me after I'd be legal for six months!

Anyway, I told them if they got straight A's I'd buy them a case of Bawls and let them take a bottle with them each day to drink with their lunch -- the stylish way to stick it to the lunch lady. And keep the classroom shaking.

The boys are downstairs right now watching Abraham Lincoln Versus the Zombies. It's about as bad as you'd think it would be. Which is about as bad as Bubba Ho-Tep, which featured Elvis fighting an alien invasion. Yeah, nothing but the classics around here.

It is increasingly difficult to get these hooligans to stand for a proper photo. (We saw similar versions of that genetic trait at Steve's wedding in May -- more photos on that should be posted here.)

Anyway, school is now in session. Well, it will be in a few minutes. Da Chimpz just made their way across the wet lawn to make their way to their, ugh, sixth and seventh grade classrooms.

Notice the torn up driveway. Cement shoes for someone, yeah! No wait...

Nights get pretty cool these days. Still Da Chimpz like to sleep in the snowglobe room. Well, maybe not for long -- tomorrow morning I throw them out of bed because it's time for... school.

It's a little sad. Watch this space for tomorrow's obligatory send-off photos.

This may (or may not) be interesting to Big Vin. But if you jump to the 27 min mark you might see a familiar stomping ground. Too bad they didn't roll film between 9th Ave and West 8th.



If we saw Philly Stink Armpits in knickers would we even recognize him?

The Olympics passed already? Didn't that crap just start? I suppose I should try to follow these things. (Why? I can't even catch a baseball game -- and that's supposedly an American sport.)

As for wine and golf, I refer you to my Youtube post of a few weeks ago -- I suspect I had already guzzled a glass (or two) of veritas before putting iron to spud on that fine evening. (But now that you describe it as Tylka protocol I will be sure to do it exactly as you describe at our next Tee Time for Tater Tots.)

And sorry to break it to you, Jenny-babe, but male Mastandrea DNA does seem to run predominantly male. Did you look around the Caravella side of the banquet hall back in May? Total sausage fest. And big eaters too. I'd be more worried about your children's appetites than their interest in sports. Forget boy versus girl -- just hope the kid is born with a spoon in his hand instead of a fork.

John-Your predicament with "watching baseball" brings me to only one thought.....The Mastandrea boys of South Spumoni do not follow sports...Infact, I dare you to ask Stephen about the current sport season...He most enthusiastically will reply with: "the Olympics just passed".....If it is not being broadcasted by Fox News, there is no way Stephen even knows what is going on...

The Vin Man on the other hand always has a game on....and Uncle Vito well....we know he spends many hours in that chair watching (or not watching) a baseball game... I must say he has gotten his money's worth out of that chair.....Ellexa has stated in writing that her father spends time playing "basketball" with her...This surprised all of us...even Bazzukah Joe.....  (If a child writes it- it must be true)...

Anyways this all scares me..Either God is going to bless us with only female children....or I may get my wish of having a very confused, eclectic son who will spend his time "listening to music" while all of his friends play outside...This is not to say this is a bad thing.....nor am I questioning his "athleticism."

I know its not enjoyable- but sometimes you have to "take one for the team." Because if not, the influence of the Tylka family- where golf is enjoyed with a glass of wine for hours.....The wine is great but the people are crazy...(there is a country song in there....)- will overwhelm.....And well- this scares me most of all.... Golf is a four letter word after all....

Busy day! Got Cookie up early to make the obligatory meatballs. Not so obligatory in the summer months, I suppose. But the temps this weekend have gotten into the 60s so I'm not so reluctant to turn on the broiler.

After Mass I crawled under the kitchen sink to install an in-line water filter. This followed a quick trip to Lowes to get the drill bit I'd need to cut a hole in the stainless steel sink. After some amazing feats of near incompetence, I got the thing working.

This is good: Berea water tasted like sweat. And the counter-top filtration device takes up too much space. And I'm tired of having to refill it five times a day.

Not too long (not long enough?) after devouring the morning batch of meatballs we headed out as a family to play some tennis. Yes, you can imagine the hilarity. The blancmange from the Monty Python skit kept entering my mind: "They mean to win Wimbledon."

Actually, it was a good workout. My rheumatologist wants me to swim for my exercise, but that's hard to pull off. I don't feel so bad on the court, though I definitely feel some restriction at the hip joints, especially when lunging laterally. Oh, and bending to pick up a ball always hurts at least little. Eh, it's good to get your sweat on a few times a week.

Now I'm showered and thinking of putting on some baseball on ESPN3. Their iPad app is apparently a total POS -- it shows me the Mets are on tonight but doesn't give me a way to start the game. Maybe I'll have better luck on a PC. Or maybe I'll skip the game entirely. That's what I usually do.

Just got back from a few days in the NYC office. Long days for a sore spine. But I did get a nice dinner Thursday night at Stage Deli -- a lovely reuben sammich minus the rye bread (which is nice because they throw the swiss cheese slices across the top then slide it under the broiler -- awwww-uuuh!).

But the security lines at LGA are now as idiotic as CLE -- with the airport nazis zapping passengers one by one, slowing progress to a crawl, standing everyone in the "surrender" pose -- just to emphasize what it's all about. Absurd. Maybe next time I'll drive.

Tonight I'll just be kicking back. Maybe catch up on some reading -- got my weekly WSJ crossword puzzle that still needs noodling. Perhaps another mojito will grease the cerebral skids.

Hmm. Doesn't sound like a magazine that would agree that "every sperm is needed, in your neighborhood."

Steve negative? Well, maybe when it comes to mustard.

Dr. Sfingi-

I must say I am a major fan of the Monty Python series. I also recommend the Black Adder series with Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie. My better half detests "British humor." As I make this comment, I already  hear him saying "You are always saying what I like or don't like- you make me sound so negative" blah blah blah.... I am not overgeneralizing nor am I putting words in his mouth. He rolls his eyes every time these Brits  are on the screen- yet his love, nay his devotion to British rock runs deep. Just saying.....

Speaking of my better half- he and I are currently debating on our next vacation. We have decided that we need a visit to a nice "red state, " for  a cleansing is much needed. Somewhere in the South---we are leaning towards South Carolina, Tennessee, and Louisiana.

I recently picked up one of my favorite magazines, "Women Health," and I was disgusted to find that one of the main articles focused on the "New Danger of Birth Control:........The politicians who wish to take away  YOUR birth control." This article is enough to make me boycott the magazine and cancel my subscription.  This article is riddled with bias politics and false information. So I ask- is nothing sacred???????

Night before last I was flipping through Netflix and not finding anything good. I stopped at Monty Python's Meaning of Life, knowing I'd have to keep my thumb ready on the FF button. The boys found the live liver donor scene disturbing and the restaurant puke scene weird. I decided to turn it off at the scene where the condemned man is executed by being chased off a cliff by a mob of topless women in helmets.

But last night, as we were once again trying to find something to watch, Alane asked if we had watched the Death scene. D'oh! We hadn't!

So we did: "You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this', Well you're dead now, so shut up."

Classic.

Best camp report yet: Cookie announced that one of the things he missed most over the week away was my grilling. Just how Mastandrea is the boy? He described how the camp staff worked the burgers on cook-out night.

"They kept pressing down on the burgers to squeeze the juices out. It made me sick to watch them do that."

This is what teaching your kids right from wrong looks like. Your sins against nature will not go unremarked. Burgers not bearing expert grill marks will be cast into eternal propane fire (not even charcoal).

Steve, you have no idea how messed up Ohio is. Fortunately I got a chance to meet a current state legislator, former military, who is behind some of law-making meant to ensure those ballots get counted. Unlike last time when many didn't. Yeah, there's something that network news somehow forgot to cover.

Berea-Rose is jumping this weekend -- the boys are back in town. Da Chimpz were at sleepaway camp all week. It was probably harder for us than for them: Alane and I had anxieties that ranged from imagining them forlorn with home-sickness to picturing felonious pranks as in the movie Meatballs.

Anyway, we drove them home this morning, dragged their mud-encrusted gear to the basement, and got some candied bacon started in the oven. As of now, Mojo is on the computer watching Minecraft videos while Cookie as on the Xbox shooting enemies in Halo. Situation: normal.

I so badly want to tell about the dinner-date Alane and I had to a trendy Cleveland restaurant earlier this week. But it was too ridiculous. Food was good, but the neighboring tables were much too close. The guy on one side was an over-eager foodie. And when the guy on the other side decided to get down on one knee to propose to his date, the crowding of the dining room essentially required him to do it from under our table. It was surreal. Alane and I spent the evening in total NYC mode: look straight ahead and don't get involved. And of course, being it was Alane and myself, try not to make eye contact with each other. Because I think we're all at a point now where we recognize the "see what I'm talkin' about" face without the need for spoken words. Isn't that right, Steve?

Right now I'm trapped home in an absolutely spectacular thunderstorm. So I'm flicking through the channels and catch Bela Karoli being interviewed about the United States gymnastics team. All I could hear in my head was the 80s Bauhaus song "Bela Lugosi's Dead", which back during my college days I insisted on singing "Bela Karoli's Dead".  Which of course, reminds me of the night that Kelly Fatone snapped at Broadway Joe how she hates when he changes the words to songs and Uncle Joe's instant response "I would never do that...".

Ohio in the news today. Obama is outraged you in the Buckeye state are allowing extra time for the absentee ballots of overseas soldiers to arrive...you Ohians need to shape up. An American soldier doesn't deserve his vote to be properly counted in your state...that right is the sole property of illegal immigrants without valid ID. Amazing.

Holy cow -- I remember those Germany videos. I remember Bway Joe having to endure some sort of promotional carnival. One teutonic teeny-bopper girl pulls a handful of cotton candy and presses it to Joe's upper lip and says "I give you mustache!"

Uncle Joe turns away from the videoscreen and says to me, "She'd rather be giving him a stinkin-stache."

I laughed uncontrollably for the next week or perhaps 10 days.