I can't sleep. I keep replaying where I was a year ago. It was a very difficult and long night. In those 24 hours....my siblings and mom had to confront some difficult realities that I still ponder. So many things occurred and so many things were discussed. I really never felt alone. I know dad had enough. Enough of many things. We didn't speak much in those last few days. We made faces at everything so I know he was still that strong minded opinionated guy.  I talked and wrote on a grease board. He nodded, mouthed words and made faces. Seemed normal but it was actually a heated discussion at times. He always worried about us. I was so upset and angry with how the doctor had spoke to him one day. Like he was feeble and unaware. ...I went home after my mom got there. I cried the whole ride home. I was in my driveway and he made mom call me to make sure I was ok. He smiled and tried to talk. He said....I know...its ok....I'm ok....he was worried about me. about me. I miss him everyday but right now I just need to make it through today. I know dad.....I know its ok and I know your ok........

As I sit here in self quarantine and partake in social distancing, I can't help but wonder about how my Dad would react in this situation. I often think it might be the "skeptical until it hits you" situation with him. Luckily, he always put health first and looked for any good reason to not be in work. I miss him so much. I swear to you that I feel as though there are times when he answers my thoughts, has a full conversation with me, or even contributes to the conversations I'm having with other people. Sometimes Mike will hear me answer him out loud and he'll replied "What? Who are you talking to?" and then I'll be startled out my trance. A few weeks ago, Mike heard me say " No, I'm not getting a small TV and putting it in my kitchen." I also know that grief doesn't affect only me in my household. My husband misses talking about the MTA and joking about it with him. There's definitely one thing that we both fall melancholy to and that is how we both wish he met Sienna. I have to believe that somehow, some way, he has a connection and relationship with her. She may look like a Goldman, but she is disgruntled, annoyed, side smiling, naturally funny, stubborn, eyebrow raising, animated face making, and absolutely loves music ... just like him.

I hope all is well on the home front for all of you. I've been praying for Alane to recover and rehabilitate nicely. Anyone I ever known who has had shoulder surgery has told me that it's not only painful, but its a long process, and a waiting game. I hope the boys are doing well. If any are partaking in college Spring Break festivities, I hope they are washing their hands frequently and keeping a good distance.

I love you all. Please stay healthy.

Hello all......Yesterday we drove down to palm beach for a visit. The 3 hour drive is through some back woods places. We passed a guy working on his driveway with a shovel while an older man supervised from his power chair with a distinct scowl on his face.  I laughed out loud than cried a little. It was a scene I had starred in so many times. As my dad supervised the situation and I worked on something out on the Jupiter Farms house. Had to be correctly done. Had to be straight. We talked at length during those times. He told me what to avoid and who to avoid. He told me when to cut your losses and when to stick it out. We laughed at our neighbor Billy and always found a laugh in the myriad of misfits that drove by. I miss that house sometimes. It was the epicenter of so much for a long time. I miss my dad everyday but he brings me a chuckle most days. Not sure if I laugh at how he would have reacted or if I'm getting like him a little each day. I seem to have acquired his knack for being a magnet to the strangest people and conversations. I find myself answering him in in my head.... Yeah. I see what you mean. I instinctively said " Get Outta Here" and then laughed. I miss him everyday.  I very often laugh and then cry.