Just got back from BJ's Wholesale. Bought a big load of basic stuff -- cleaners, beverages, cereal, etc. But I was extremely annoyed to see they not longer carry the tomato puree in the giant can... All they had was tomato "sauce" in the giant can. Rows and rows of tomato "sauce." Hey, the only reason I need the puree is to make my own sauce. So I picked up a six-pack of Hunt's tomato paste. Some consolation prize. Bastards.

Yeah, it was only a matter of time before the Cleveland winter started to assert itself. It's way cold today and the snow fell all night.

Here's a snapshot taken from the front port-hole of Berea-Rose.

The snow makes the street look nice, but I bet Alane had a tough time getting to the office. Cookie was disapppointed to learn that school was open today.

So I retreated to the basement early this afternoon to escape the tumult of having Da Chimpz at home, planning to watch a little TV and call Guido to tell him about the wacky stuff we saw at motocross last night (no shit, we went to motocross at the Gund Arena). We had just gotten back from an open house at the school so I turned the stove back on to heat the precious meatballs, sausage, and veal-slab that were floating luxuriously in that thick red sauce. In fact, I turned it up higher than I normally would -- wanting to get it back to the even simmer that would take us to dinnertime.

As usual, there was nothing on TV. So I dialed the phone and talked to Kay for a bit. Then Guido got on the phone and I told him about the wacky motorcycle stunts we saw last night, described Cookie's hypnotic captivation, and then asked him to read me the name of that weaponized grappa we drank week before last. For the record, it was Travarica -- the finest in Serbo-Croation chemical warfare; a gift from Andre when I saw him last month (thanks, Foz, I think). If anyone feels compelled to try it, you can order it and other herb-infused turpentines of various grades at this site.

I jotted down the name of the stuff, planning to do some toxicology searches on the internet, then strolled upstairs to an acrid smell that filled the kitchen. The sauce! I hung up the phone and pulled the steam-tossed lid off the pot -- the tomato sauce was in a rolling boil over a much-too-high heat and I could tell the bottom was badly burned. I quickly grabbed another pot and poured the burnt pot's contents into it. Anything stuck to the bottom (and there was quite a bit) would not be salvaged.

What I poured off... was not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I didn't notice any burnt taste as we ate our penne (with the sauted broccoli-rabe on the side, yum). I dodged a bullet that I had accidentally fired right into the gut of my Sunday.

Could use some of that poison grappa right about now to soak the burnt pot...

OK, I promised an update on the Spumoni Gardens Yard Sale...and so heres some highlights in no particular order:
1. The best dialogue (verbatim):
Customer: " Is this wall piece made of oak?"
Vin: "Its three dollars." (Vin is gifted in the art of sarcasm.)
2. Second best dialogue:
Vin: (motions his head to a woman in a bad wig. He then whistles the tune to the Adams Family and then he says aloud...) "Hey Vito, Methusela."
3. Now John thinks I'm lying about this but I will take a polygraph test: I caught Uncle Vito happily singing along the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Hungry Heart". He sang the opening perfectly: "Got a wife and kid in Baltimore, Jack. I went out for a ride and I never came back..."
4. A homeless looking shopper chewed my father down from 3 bucks to 2 on a $200 grinder and then got in his $100,000 SUV and pulled away. Vin's reaction "You gott a be jokin..."
5. Weirdest occurrence: a shopper ran over a huge and poisonous copperhead snake in our driveway. First time I'd ever seen one in almost 12 years in Florida. Wanna know how I disposed of it? Wrapped it around a stick and flung across the street onto the church's property. I figure its less sacriligious than launching flaming golfballs at a house of worship.

What if you did a google search for Rob Lopicola's Butt... and you actually found it?

Wolf? Wolf who?

Frylock's gotta start watching quality television -- like those Japanese steeplechase shows on Spike. That stuff is a lot more like reality than modern newsertainment.

The other night I watched Bobby Flay get trounced in a Philly Cheese Steak Throwdown. What I really want to see is Nigella throwdown with Giada.

Now that's some must-see TV.

My laziness knows no bounds. I have now installed an app that allows me to control my tower-PC using a window on my laptop. Why do I need that? Because the TV-tuner card and the good speakers are on that computer. Wanna turn on cable news without getting up? Click. Wanna blast Syntax or Deep Dish between conference calls? Click. Wanna mute the whole thing when the office calls with the latest crisis? Click.

If I could figure out how to make coffee by remote-control I wouldn't have to get up from this couch at all.

1 Steak Sandwich
2 Pork Loin Sandwiches
1 Huge Stuffed Potato
1 Corn On The Cob
1 Giant Turkey Leg (which bears great resemblance to the club used by Captain Caveman)
5 Fresh Lemonades
1 Fried Twinkie
1 Plate Fried Oreos
1 Ice Cream Sundae
and when we returned to Spumoni South, he still had room for 2 heaping bowls of macaroni. This list may actually be incomplete, it was only what I witnessed. Of course, the other big question is actually what sort of torture did he inflict on my mothers bathroom afterwards.

My brother-in-law Jenia is simply a dangerous man when the Fair comes to South Florida...I consider him more of a Fair Food Warrior, like he should wear a knights helmet...and instead of a sword just an oversized fork at his side. Like Bazzuka Joe I also witnessed the Tattoo-Headed father...but more importantly the twin scowls that it produced from the Brothers Mastandrea. Jenia and I also witnessed an older man wearing a spandex shirt and jeans so tight that if he farted, he would have showered the Fairgrounds with bits of dungaree. This guy was struggling to walk. Jenia and I also chose to not bow down to those ardent fascist photographers who demand you smile at them as you walk through the entranceway...he and I stared at them in furious anger until they conceded to our demands to disappear.

So lets see what else is new? Spumoni Gardens is having a yard sale tomorrow, so I would be prepared for some wildly amusing tales. Last time, I watched my father refuse to sell an antique clock to some schmuck trying to chew him down on the one dollar because in his words "It would be worth more than a dollar for me to let that asshole watch me break it into a million pieces with a hammer". The man had a very valid point. Well, I apologize for the extended absence, its been really busy on my end...but the good news is there is no lawsuit at the Jupiter Business Park. Frylock fought off the forces of corporate greed (or was it just stupidity) with a little help from Dr. Sfingi and a pricey attorney. I will be reporting more from the western front of the Spumoni Yard Sale tomorrow. But before I go does anyone else think Wolf Blitzer should be stripped of his name after that Cheney interview a few days ago? The man is a well paid reporter, and sometimes you have to ask uncomfortable, risky and in this case a stupid question...but be remain a man for God's sake. Cheney got mad at the question and it looked like the petrified Blitzer peed right in his pants. I think he should rename himself Kitty Peashooter.

Mambo Combo? Is that like Moons over my Hammy at IHOP? Or a Weiner Shnitzel Ala Holstein?

I had a lady come into my store and told the mgr she was the new hire and she needed her start day and schedule. I came out to speak to her and i never met her before. never interviewed her. I said i think you migt have the wrong store. I have never met you before. She said Holleigh hired me. Holleighleft in August, we are up to january. I think that offer expired. She said ohhh, ok and walked out............Huh? People are bizarre.

he South Florida Fair is an interesting place and its mascot is MOO the Cow. It is the meeting ground for every misfit and mutant south of orlando. It is the home of the Turkey leg thats as large as my head, how large are they raising these turkies? Its where you can find anything deep fried in a zeppole casing, snickers-twinkies & oreos. You can get a coke and a slice of awful pizza for $12. Its great. The guy deep frying the 18" corn dogs had only 3 teeth and 8 fingers. Insert punchline here. I was not keeping track of Jenia but this is the type of place you prep for a real eating contest. He was in his element. My dad patiently waited for the ballon guy to make ellexa a funky hat but he was also a stilt walker on 6' stilts. He got in line with 5 other kids. i hope merle got a photo. Uncle Vito said it was nice and it was a beautiful day but he looked angry and peered at the other fair goers with a disgusted scowl of sorts. I must say i can relate to this feeling. We walked past a man with his entire head tattooed and there was no end to the mullets. Everytime one of these cretins strolled past i would just look at uncle V and he would raise his eyebrows or nod his head and i knew what he was thinking. These guys wouldnt stand a chance at San Gennaro. Even the vendors were less than savory. If i had to make on judgement on the origins of any of the fairly bizzare diseases in the news i would have to say if they did not originate at the fair they most certainly fluorish thereIs there no mirrors where they come from. The most interesting thing at the fair is the items you can win. None of the stuffed animals or painted booths and rides have an exact replica of the character. They are always a little bit off. Not quite right. Scooby is actually scoobi or his look aint quite perfect. Its most interesting.

I apologize for my lack of participation. I was on a trip to dc and adelphia is switching to comcast after a hostile takeover and the high speed has been sketchy at best.

Busy weekend around here, getting in from New York late yesterday, then up early today to get to Mass and then take the boys to the ice-cold zoo for Cookie's Cub Scout "Go See It" this afternoon. We were shivering; the polar bear looked quite comfortable.

On the way back from there we stopped at the Station Restaurant. Yep, sounds a lot like the place in Valahalla where I spent many a fine evening in the last 80s and early 90s. Looks like it too. It's right alongside active freight lines and the old-time railroad feel was well-done. I got the Mombo Combo -- a sampler of all their smoked stuff. Excellent stuff. We got back and spent the evening getting things done and finally settling in front of the fireplace... it's January in Cleveland and that means the weather is blowjhinski.

The snow is blowing around here in Berea. We've had lots of mild weather lately, so this was inevitable. Da Chimpz are at school, no doubt gazing out the windows waiting for that recess bell, wanting a piece of that snowfall.

The internet eagerly awaits reports from last weekend's Florida State Fair -- there's no way that many Mastandrea's can walk abroad amongst the locals and not trigger bizarre events.

Do I dare? And would I install it in the basement?

Hi There! Last Sunday Jenia and I participated in the Disney Marathon. Without training Jenia still made the 26.2mile finish line, and received a Gold Medal. I on the other hand, made it to mile 18 and the bus came and picked us up to drive us to the finish area. Pretty embarrassing, but I'm proud of us. I was with Annie's mom, Teresa and her friend. I'm pround of Teresa, she made it to mile 15 without a cigarette! Once she decided to stop, her friend and I continued, but at 17 her friend was ready to finish. So we pushed it one more mile. It was fun, we raised a lot of money for The Hope Center for Autism in Jensen Beach, FL. Jenia and I paid $210 bucks to participate, hopefully most of it is going to the Disney cause: Lymphoma. (Which Teresa had 13 years ago.) In the world of marathons, I will not be attending another Disney one, I'm gonna stick to Susan G. Komen. The atmosphere is that of close, real women and men. It's shorter in distance, and more uplifting, everyone talks to each other, and everyone is honored no matter what. Whereas I felt this one was all disney characters, and people trying to be seen, and shoved. For first time runners, elders, and slower individuals walking, there were no extras for us. For an incredibly organized race, they ran out of drinks, fruits, and any other things we were all entitled to. The characters and animals left after an hour or so too. My biggest complaint was that they made like the wheelchair racers were just a side show annoyance. They didn't introduce them, or anything nice, they just yelled over the bullhorn to watch out for them. I normally get excited and inspired when I see the wheelers, this time I was disgusted. Oh well, maybe I can see a review of how the dollars were divyed up...that would be something.

OK, our parody of the SNL "In a Box" bit is nothing compared to this:

Just when I thought the Cornhole Competition would save Ohio from boredom... along comes this, probably put together by jokers in the nearby college. Who knew that mirthful college students could be so... not-funny?

Did they earn college credits for that?

How's this for a stroll down amnesia lane? I found this on a printout dated 1997. I won't name the web site or author to protect the guilty, but many of you will recognize it anyway

.
Pecorino Crime Family

Steve "Winged Foot" - Soldier in the Orlando contingent. First turned to a life of crime when, as a youth, he made a cameo appearance in a Megadeath video; upon returning to the dressing area he accidentally opened the door on a fully naked Barbara Streisand. After a lengthy hospitalization, followed by extensive therapy, "Winged Foot" still has violent nightmares, and only recently began to eat broccoli again

Joe "Head of It All" - Soldier in the Jupiter contingent. Once bribed an FBI agent to redact "shaves chest hair" from his official dossier. Operates a racket in West Virginia which extorts money from strip mining concerns - an idea which struck him while golfing at a nearby driving range. His headis large, but not as large as it used to be

John "Consigliere" - Passed the bar exam, but probably couldn't find a courthouse if he had to. Professional aspiration is to attend a bedside arraignment, preferrably not his own. Just wants to be able to lean over and mouth the words "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CHARGES? DO YOU!?" Eats cheese before it's ready.

Vito "Immobiliere" - Capo-regime of the Brooklyn contingent. Runs a racket out of the Newark docks smuggling cheap electronic games into the country. Taunts his adversaries with sarcasm. Once responded in open court to a prosecutor's allegations by waving his hand aside and muttering, "Agh, your ass." An impressed jury acquitted him of all charges. Distinguishing characteristic: never wears socks or shoes but always manages to look like he does.

Joe "The Quiet One" - Capo-regime of the Orlando contingent. This individual is a master of disguise, so always be alert to distinguishing characteristics. The mustache is a tattoo. The legs are prostheses. And left uncombed, the hair on his back forms an uncanny portrait of Liv Tyler. Often taunts his victims by promising them their freedom if they can locate three olive pits strategically hidden on his person. Pleading for swift death is of no use with this hardened criminal.
Steve "Coyote Legs" - Soldier in the Jupiter contingent. Five-time winner of the Xenia, OH disco-dancing contest (he'd win even if the judges hadn't been bribed). Operates a soppressata smuggling ring which reports to a flamboyant associate in a tastefully-appointed SoHo loft. "Coyote Legs" refuses to personally touch the contraband. Is fond of blurting out, "Hey, watch where you point that thing" even when no one else is around.

Vincent "Big Kahuna" (not pictured) - Capo-regime of the Jupiter contingent. Though in semi-retirement, "Big Kahuna" remains armed and very dangerous. Walks with a .45 caliber cane. While in San Quentin he once shanked another prisoner with a sharpened turkey bone. Often challenges his adversaries to a cooking contest. Throws FBI strategy into complete disarray by inviting agents to his house for coffee and key lime pie.

This is all we have to say (for now) about this morning's Cub Scout Pinewood Derby:

Okay, to be fair I should say just a bit more: the Tiger Cubs are the youngest den; Cookie's car then went up against the top cars from the older kids in the Bear Cubs, the Wolf Cubs and the Webelos and, uh, didn't get any trophies at the pack-level. He had a ton of fun.

Another big Cub Scout event is scheduled for tomorrow: the Pinewood Derby car race. Unlike the Raingutter Ragatta, Cookie and I got started on our car a few days before the event. (I opened the boat kit about an hour and change before the event -- nto realizing that a hunk of raw wood would require cutting, sanding, painting and decoarating.)

Cookie directed the design. He originally wanted us to re-create a character from the movie Cars, but as we ran the raw block through the miter-saw our car took on its own personality and Cookie went with that.

Who knows, we may even do well in the race.

In related news, here's a seven-year-old clip of Steve talking about pancakes and golfballs.

Now here's a useful website. I think that along with Starship Troopers, the movie The Warriors is one of the all-time greats. It should be viewed, at minimum, once every few weeks.

When a piece of Baby Watson Cheesecake goes bad, do the edges get oily and translucent like mayonaise? And if it did, would Little Vito consider it the perfect dessert? And would it leave a stain on a slipcover? Or on a black Banlon sock?

I think Bazzukajoe missed his calling: he should've become an exterminator.

Disturbing as it is, my first guess was also Baby Watson cheesecake, but crafty old BazzukaJoe beat me to the punch...so I gladly offer a second educated guess: An inhabitant of Castle 1526 was eating one of Aunt Rosina's homemade calzones (or as she calls them "u fritt'"), took a good bite down and squirted its ricotta goodness all over the couch. That filling is so magical I can almost understand why one would choose to save some for later...just not sure how much later. Once ricotta becomes dry and sandy...I'm pretty sure its no longer fresh. You know, I sense a common Caravella theme developing in this entry. Vito Caravella Jr.actually likes when his mayonnaise goes sour: in fact he developed a physical addiction to sour mayonnaise sandwiches while we were in Las Vegas a few years back. He needed three to four sandwiches every two hours in order to function normally. The withdrawal pains he experienced on the plane ride home were excruciating.

The other image I associate with Aunt Rosina's calzones is within the mile high mountain she would often sneak in a few with black olives...and as Fortune's Fool I would always choose one. This was never a problem though, just like a pro quarterback I would fake the bite, and then hand off to Vito Caravella Sr. for the devour.

I would definitley say that whatever it is it probably does not smell good. Comforting maybe but in no way good. Does it have something to do with the package picture of Joe previous? It appears to be a baby watson smear, someone was eating with thier hands OR using it for diaper rash. As for what your wearing john..........no comment. You look like the kid from problem child.

Now you asked me what i would have done with that bee hive. I would have put nail polish remover on it and watched the blue flame rise or i would have put a morter pipe beneath it and fired a few straight into it. When we used to play ball at sleepy hollow field in S.I. there was a bee hive 20 ft from 1st base. Someone(gillie) hit it with a brick mid game and the first baseman got stung all over and went screaming home. Chris Miranda was at shortstop and we watched the swarm chase him across the field. It was most amusing but we were too young to have flammable products. That would be years later when we burned down a 1/2 acre by accident. All things are funnier when a firecracker is lit inside them. Soda cans, mail boxes, frogs, turtles, mud, golf balls.. whatever. Hey fire is your friend.... just ask john. Joe Maha too, i remember the frazzle ice video.
Wow i need to get up early
nite

Steve promises to weigh in later today with his theory to explain the couch cushion stain/stink.

In the meantime, I submit this newspaper article to refute anything I ever said to make it sound like life in the Cleveland area is in any way boring:

No tossup: Everyone loves cornhole game

For weeks we drove by the sign announcing this event. Not knowing what it was, I tried to convince Alane that we should sign up to compete. It was held on the same fairgrounds as the Italian Festival... which I suppose should have told me something.