I didn't want to alarm BazzukaJoe, but when I heard that he had contracted folliculitis, I immediately suspected... John Ashcroft. If you want to relieve the pressure of those painful subcutaneous sebacious cysts, your best bet is to cease all acts of political dissent. And clean up your filthy, filthy web-browsing habits. The Patriot Act is far-reaching legislation. It has already gotten under many people's skin.

Bush is only trying to outdo the Reagan legacy. After all, Ron helped spread AIDS, remember? W is sitting around saying: "How'm'I gonna top that?"

Drop the chalupa: I just this minute heard on the news that an angry Taco Bell customer belted a rude cashier in the mouth with a chalupa (apparently not what he had ordered). I've eaten one of those: prosecutors should seriously consider a charge of assault with a deadly weapon.