OK, I apologize for the prolonged absence from the blog. Between work, christmas shopping and this mutant strain of ebola that's plaguing me, I have been truly neglectful. First off, Id like to clear up a few items: I was not criticizing the practice of panettone-eating, I merely said I thought it was used to stuff sofa cushions. (After all George Washington Carver found about a half a million uses for the peanut.) However, the story of Cookie and Jojo's monumental disappointment reminded me the infamous pie incident of 2004.

Kim and I received of invitation from Jenia's brother Aleksey for a little get-together at his apartment. The party was quite charming, full of finger foods, wine, vodka and amusing home video footage of his recent trip to Russia, and then there was... the pie. I do not lie, I have numerous witnesses who will confirm it was the most beautiful pie ever created. It was a velvety burgundy color (suggesting maybe a raspberry or strawberry) and sparkled in the light, it had perfect-looking crust as if it was pulled from a Sara Lee commercial, and I was salivating for it. To my pleasant surprise, he decided to serve the pie early, and watched in glorious anticipation as he made the first cut in. As he placed it in the serving plate and slid it before me, I noticed the inner layers of the pie were a moist white. So I bit the bullet and asked exactly what flavor it was... and his answer was "cold smoked fish, mayonnaise, and beets".

I was devastated, I was deflated, and I've never been the same. Any one of those three ingredients would make me regurgitate. In summation: Mojo and Cookie: I feel your pain.

By the way, vermouth comes from the mysterious puddles that accumulate in front of the fruit and fish stands on Canal Street. That is why I won't drink it