I am convinced that John only brings up Tommy the Barber to send me into a convulsive flashback. So allow me to recreate my encounter with the infamous Tommy the Barber of Bronxville back in the summer of 2000.

In the pursuit of looking neat for John Paul's baptism, I accompany John as he pays a visit to his favorite local hair cuttery: the aforementioned Tommy the Barber. Let me begin by describing this guy for you: he's about 70, thin and wiry, dyed black hair, big European teeth, I'm pretty sure he's deaf by the way he yells every word, and most importantly he has very, very shaky hands. So of course, John and I are wildly amused watching this guy give the masses uneven haircuts all the while shouting these long-winded stories of his childhood in a very thick Italian accent. How could you not love it?

Well, I have the answer to that question: when John asks Tommy the Barber to give me one of his world famous shaves. As one might expect, he unveils an old pearl-handled straight razor with his quaking, arthritic hands and begins to do a little prep work on my face. I am officially petrified, (ironically, my hands as well begin to shake) and John is beaming at the look of sheer horror upon my face. He says "this looks like the scene from the Godfather, all its missing is Cicci at the door". Tommy snaps at John "NO JOKES! Theesa is notta haircut...theesa is SERIOUS!!" As John tries to lower his voice, he begins a small conversation with a NYC school teacher seated next to him regarding the incredible performance of certain city school, which managed to raise its city-wide test pass rate from 9% to 14%! I giggle at John's series of wry replies as this guy drones about the ethnic bias these tests have and how amazing an improvement reaching 14% really is. John then turns back to Tommy and suggests "you might want to take a little off his nose" Tommy becomes furious, he screams at John "You talk so much you give the aspirin a headache!" No one acknowledges his joke so he screams it even louder "YOU GIVE THE ASPIRIN A HEADACHE!" So everything quiets down and everyone focuses on my pale, scared, perspiring face as he starts to shave me. Hes quite slow and methodical, and seems to be doing a decent job. Therefore I'm quite pleased when he finishes without shedding any blood...however after putting my glasses back on I realize he also shedded absolutely NO HAIR. My five o'clock shadow was exactly as it was when I walked in. Tommy smiles proudly at his work, and I thank him, feeling happy that he at least didn't slit me. He informs me that its now time for the big finish: he smacks me in my still bearded face with some blue mystery liquid which makes it feel as if I just put my face through a glass windshield. As I wince in pain and John laughs, he asks some strange female customer to do one as well, so she anxiously jumps right up and smacks me hard, trip #2 through the windshield. The torture was officially over, and it cost John 30 bucks, and although I think he got ripped off, he'll probably disagree.