Bloody crack, indeed. Get used to it, Bazzukajoe: your children do intend to cause you severe physical harm. And they will succeed more often than you think.

It's a cool summer morning here at Berea-Rose. Da chimpz are still asleep, but that won't last long. They'll be up soon, requesting their usual: a bowl of "Funny Butt Cheerios" and a cup of orange juice. Then they'll wreak havoc in front of their video game console (maybe the Cube, maybe the Wii, maybe one at each), and then I'll herd them into the car to take them to camp.

At any point one or the other will make an assassination attempt. I am resigned to eternal vigilance.