The following is another Cranky Mastandrea Consumer Alert: don't do business with Fifth Third Bank. First, you should never put your money in any organization that has a fraction as a name. More importantly, the place annoyed me this week. And you know how we get when we're annoyed.

It all started when Vito and I took a drive to open a Florida-based bank account. I wanted a place that also had Ohio branches, so the pickings were slim. I've seen 5/3 all over the Cleveland area and was somewhat surprised to see them in Florida, so off we went to PGA Blvd. We walked in and the place was completely empty -- which should have been our first clue. A soft-spoken and friendly gentleman led us to a desk to start the paperwork. Turns out he was an old friend of Frylock! Very cool -- he entered our info and got the process going.

Then the manager intervened. Seems Vito's ID credentials weren't quite up to 5/3's exacting standards. He'd need to show another piece of ID. But that was all we had. I asked to see said manager; when she emerged I reviewed with her the validity of his two pieces of government-issued ID. She was unmoved, firmly explaining that federal rules required a certain level of ID... I strongly suspected otherwise and told her so. I stated my surprise that a man whose actual identity was not in question was somehow not qualified to open a bank account (which may explain why the place was so empty). I thanked Frylock's buddy for his assistance and further declared (to the manager still standing her ground) my intention to go across the street and open an account with a larger, more significant bank. Which we did, quite easily.

Federal rules, my ass. That's what annoyed me most -- you wanna have house rules that make it hard to open an account? Fine, it's your bank. And yes, fed regs do make life miserable. But don't blame the regs when it's your own internal rules screwing things up. My advice to Frylock's buddy: fire your boss.

(That said, Vito has known at least since the Starvin Marvin incident of 1993 the importance of getting a real ID card -- so of course I had to bust his chops on that.)