I was standing in the kitchen drinking chocolate milk (soy) and eating a piece of chocolate chip cookie (Whole Foods) when the call came in. Wow, Marlena was in some serious emotional distress. She sputtered out her tale (tail) of woe and pointed back to the scene of the tragedy. I could see she was suffering badly; I found it supremely entertaining.

Upon entering the room of bad water, I saw that the situation was not nearly as dire as Marlena supposed. The toilet was indeed clogged, but not hopelessly so -- the water level had already returned to normal. The floor was only a little wet. And it was reassuring to see that Song Airlines, despite its financial difficulty, still serves roasted peanuts on its flights from West Palm to La Guardia.

Minimal plunging effort freed the obdurate turd -- this was nothing like the intergalactic dark matter that emerged from Mojo back in March. That ten-pounder couldn't be plunged -- it had to be dynamited first. No, this one was easy.

Having slayed the offending offal, I returned to the living room to find Marlena wallowing in denial. She asserted (yeah, asserted) that it was just a wee bitty little turd, and not even a lot of paper -- how could that have happened? We immediately declared that testimony non-credible. We recalled that before Marlena even ventured to the bathroom she announced that she hadn't crapped in four days; she was also interested in selecting a book to bring with her, as this effort would likely take some time. I took down from the shelves a thin volume of poetry; she rejected it, opting instead for a thicker volume of epic saga.

In fact, from behind that closed door, I thought I heard her yell: "Who does number two work for?"

In short, whatever she launched was no meager morsel. But as for Steven's question, I'm afraid the visible evidence was inconclusive. I considered sonar testing, but was afraid the added salvage time would only invite further disaster -- the longer the bathroom stays out of commission, the longer my boys are a puddle risk. That's just how it is.