Only two words can describe our annual Pork & Vermouth Christmas Lighting last Friday: Epic Fail. So the festive scene pictured here is nothing like the meager light-work we accomplished in Tuckahoe on that cold dark night.

Just about everything went wrong. It started at Stew Leonards, where the icy wind nearly cut us in half as we eyeballed Christmas trees and light strings -- especially the light-strings, which needed to be strung end to end to reach around the hedge. We bought about ten boxes. And a couple racks of ribs (what, no grill? yeah, this was destined to flop).

So we got out the vermouth (Martini & Rossi? how could the wine shop not have Cinzano?). And we ate. Then we went back out into the cold to start.

And we hardly got started before we realized the lights were all wrong. Meaning, even though the box described lights that could be strung end-to-end, these did not. Furthermore, they were chaser lights. And even though they could be set for steady-on, unplugging them set them back to chasing.

So we changed gears and turned our attention to the giant wreath that gets hoisted above the front porch. We hoisted. Guido tied it into place and then we remembered we hadn't tested the wreath lights -- sure enough, half the lights were out. So we un-hoisted. Then fumbled in the basement with the old light strings to find one that could be salvaged. We re-wrapped the wreath with the frankenstein light string and re-hoisted. Guido tied it in place and we stepped back to look. Most of the lights were facing the wall, leaving much of it dark.

We declared Christmas ruined and went back to the house to drink wine (we were out of vermouth by then).