Joey, you win. I earlier posited (with not a small amount of pride) that you are not the only member of the family to have performed onstage abroad.
Steve has since pointed out that I'm not the only member of the family to have been humped by a gorilla in public.
He volunteered no details and I don't think I want any. I'll just withdraw my earlier assertion and quietly let the issue slide.
At some point I will post the full Gorilla Story -- make it part of the Encyclopedia Mastandrea which Steve has now started. I just need to be very careful in the telling -- it's so very... incriminating.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Me and John have been talking about inviting friends and extended family onto the blog, and for those that do not share the same surname, oversized cranium or penchant for broccoli rabe, Ive decided to begin the first HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE MASTANDREAS I encourage all to contribute to this guide, as it has the potential to become more important and influential than the Torah. And with that, we begin....
THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO BEING A MASTANDREA
1.ORANGE SOUP--A rare consomme endemic to Jupiter Farms, Florida. Its signature color and flavor can be traced to a unique preparation process pioneered by the late Rosaria Mastandrea. Its consumption is considered a necessary ritual in the Mastandrea holiday celebrations.
Orange Soup---Know it, love it, eat it with orzo.
2.Lou Monte-Important cultural icon in the Mastandrea home. He is revered and loved for performing hits like "Darktown Strutters Ball", "Angelina", "Crazy Mary", and his magnum opus "Pepino the Mouse". Shouting these songs aloud to the heavens is considered an important holiday ritual. Therefore, having these songs committed to memory is vital to becoming a Mastandrea.
Lou Monte---Do not ever take his name in vain.
3.Seven-Layer Cookies---a delicious multi-colored baked good. Invented by a member of the Fatone lineage named Marcelle Villareale. Often called by outsiders its misnomer "the rainbow cookie".
Seven-Layer Cookie---Don not under any circumstances call it a rainbow cookie, Mastandreas can be very unforgiving.
THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO BEING A MASTANDREA
1.ORANGE SOUP--A rare consomme endemic to Jupiter Farms, Florida. Its signature color and flavor can be traced to a unique preparation process pioneered by the late Rosaria Mastandrea. Its consumption is considered a necessary ritual in the Mastandrea holiday celebrations.
Orange Soup---Know it, love it, eat it with orzo.
2.Lou Monte-Important cultural icon in the Mastandrea home. He is revered and loved for performing hits like "Darktown Strutters Ball", "Angelina", "Crazy Mary", and his magnum opus "Pepino the Mouse". Shouting these songs aloud to the heavens is considered an important holiday ritual. Therefore, having these songs committed to memory is vital to becoming a Mastandrea.
Lou Monte---Do not ever take his name in vain.
3.Seven-Layer Cookies---a delicious multi-colored baked good. Invented by a member of the Fatone lineage named Marcelle Villareale. Often called by outsiders its misnomer "the rainbow cookie".
Seven-Layer Cookie---Don not under any circumstances call it a rainbow cookie, Mastandreas can be very unforgiving.
Friday, June 04, 2004
Six bananas? That sets me to musing about a very pointless mission I undertook several years back: a visit to the famed gorilla of Amsterdam. Yeah, I skipped a scheduled conference call to go to the show. Yeah, I volunteered for the audience participation part. Yeah, I ate the banana.
Message to Little Joey: you're not the only one in this family who has performed onstage in a foreign country!
I readily admit that your performance abilities are somewhat more developed than mine. And your audience is normally more enthusiastic than the bunch of Sri Lankan business tourists who sat through the entire show looking confused and worried. But for about three minutes of dancing, banana-eating, and getting humped by a gorilla, I was a star, baby!
We weren't told that we couldn't chew the banana. Would that have enhanced the act's entertainment value? I'm very eager to learn the details of the particular banana act that transpired that evening. Did anyone make the obvious connection between rocket-building and banana-pranking? Were any of your rockets painted yellow?
And most importantly, was all this before or after the flaming-golf-ball incident?
Message to Little Joey: you're not the only one in this family who has performed onstage in a foreign country!
I readily admit that your performance abilities are somewhat more developed than mine. And your audience is normally more enthusiastic than the bunch of Sri Lankan business tourists who sat through the entire show looking confused and worried. But for about three minutes of dancing, banana-eating, and getting humped by a gorilla, I was a star, baby!
We weren't told that we couldn't chew the banana. Would that have enhanced the act's entertainment value? I'm very eager to learn the details of the particular banana act that transpired that evening. Did anyone make the obvious connection between rocket-building and banana-pranking? Were any of your rockets painted yellow?
And most importantly, was all this before or after the flaming-golf-ball incident?
Musings of missions gone by...
As we get older somehow all missions seem to begin at WalMart. Is it because all of the worlds misfits are employed there? Is it because most people shopping there are barefoot? No. I believe the best ideas are concieved after 2am. It is the only place available. We must begin there by default.
I recall a joint mission taken on by the joey and steves. (did I pluralize that correctly?) Late one evening while watching George Carlin it was suddendly very important to have a modular gas powered rocket with launch pad and firing remote. Imperative because in passing the packages earlier that day big steve noticed that the package assured us that with the payload cone it could reach a height of 200'. In very small print: assembly required. We set out to have them assembled and ready to blast at sunrise. Little steve made about 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies. I went over directions while Big Steve did the parts inventory laying it all out across 2 large tables. Little Joe watched TV. Not very helpful, I know, but he did pay for a few so we let him slide he also distracted Richard "I can eat six bananas without chewing" Koontz from interfering with the assembly process. Richard was attempting to be a family member by association. The few the chosen the rejected. He would be dealt with on another occasion. We built 4 that night and eagerly waited for morning. We broke out the launch pad and fuel and set it all up. First flight was a stunning success. The parachute descended some 4 miles away and was retrieved by big steve. Our options now became infinite. We tried many configurations that day but ended up losing and incinerating all the rockets. I believe one veered of and flew over the neighbor in his yard. He thought it was a missile. Not the sharpest guy. But it was all in the name of science and the lessons learned would later be utilized for fourth of July maneuvers.
AHHHHHH 4th of July. Don't get me sarted.
As we get older somehow all missions seem to begin at WalMart. Is it because all of the worlds misfits are employed there? Is it because most people shopping there are barefoot? No. I believe the best ideas are concieved after 2am. It is the only place available. We must begin there by default.
I recall a joint mission taken on by the joey and steves. (did I pluralize that correctly?) Late one evening while watching George Carlin it was suddendly very important to have a modular gas powered rocket with launch pad and firing remote. Imperative because in passing the packages earlier that day big steve noticed that the package assured us that with the payload cone it could reach a height of 200'. In very small print: assembly required. We set out to have them assembled and ready to blast at sunrise. Little steve made about 2 dozen chocolate chip cookies. I went over directions while Big Steve did the parts inventory laying it all out across 2 large tables. Little Joe watched TV. Not very helpful, I know, but he did pay for a few so we let him slide he also distracted Richard "I can eat six bananas without chewing" Koontz from interfering with the assembly process. Richard was attempting to be a family member by association. The few the chosen the rejected. He would be dealt with on another occasion. We built 4 that night and eagerly waited for morning. We broke out the launch pad and fuel and set it all up. First flight was a stunning success. The parachute descended some 4 miles away and was retrieved by big steve. Our options now became infinite. We tried many configurations that day but ended up losing and incinerating all the rockets. I believe one veered of and flew over the neighbor in his yard. He thought it was a missile. Not the sharpest guy. But it was all in the name of science and the lessons learned would later be utilized for fourth of July maneuvers.
AHHHHHH 4th of July. Don't get me sarted.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Can we show some compassion for poor cyst-headed Joey... who we can now call Signor Mal'Occhio (or mal-ooch, as they'd say in the neighborhood).
Hey Mal'Occhio, where'd you get that swelling? A batting cage mishap? Bad bounce of a flaming golf-ball? Or did that hat you were wearing at your bachelor party leave a nasty ring?
Y'know, life is like a hat. A big hat.
I'm still waiting for Vito (oootivoo) to join this blog -- and provide the Brooklyn fig tree report. Last I heard, the harsh winter had taken all the ancestral fig trees. I keep hoping to hear otherwise (maybe they're just sprouting late this year?). About a year ago I took a cutting from the wildly overgrown tree on 38th Street and had it growing nicely in a big clay pot all last summer. And it didn't come back either.
Vito, what've you heard?
Hey Mal'Occhio, where'd you get that swelling? A batting cage mishap? Bad bounce of a flaming golf-ball? Or did that hat you were wearing at your bachelor party leave a nasty ring?
Y'know, life is like a hat. A big hat.
I'm still waiting for Vito (oootivoo) to join this blog -- and provide the Brooklyn fig tree report. Last I heard, the harsh winter had taken all the ancestral fig trees. I keep hoping to hear otherwise (maybe they're just sprouting late this year?). About a year ago I took a cutting from the wildly overgrown tree on 38th Street and had it growing nicely in a big clay pot all last summer. And it didn't come back either.
Vito, what've you heard?
Missions huh? I seem to remember a mission Steve and I were sent on with a small search party. we were in search of Strongville to a attend a banquet but never mind that right now. I have a new vocabulary word.
Folliculitus...
I woke up last week with a strange red bump in the corner of my right eye. Some would say it was pay back from the wife or maybe i bumped something with the gravitational pull created by my MASTANDREA sized head. I figured it would go away. I awoke the following morning and gazed in the mirror with my one good eye to blurrily see that I was incorrect. My red spot had grown into a large purple and red area resembling the mark atop Gorbachev's head except mine was in the shape of a sfogliatele. It oozed a bit like a fresh cannoli. It hurt quite a bit. The mother informed me i should be in the ER. So i returned to the place we have all become so familiar with... Jupiter Medical Center. The guy took 1 look and said FOLLICULITUS. A few moments later a burly women in scrubs told me i was getting a needle to help the swelling. The needle would go in the rump roast and it was quite a needle. The needle was not the issue. The molten iron ore she shot into me was. I now know what it feels like to get kicked by a horse. She too said hmmmmm folliculitus. I believe this could be the answer Folliculitus...
Folliculitus...
I woke up last week with a strange red bump in the corner of my right eye. Some would say it was pay back from the wife or maybe i bumped something with the gravitational pull created by my MASTANDREA sized head. I figured it would go away. I awoke the following morning and gazed in the mirror with my one good eye to blurrily see that I was incorrect. My red spot had grown into a large purple and red area resembling the mark atop Gorbachev's head except mine was in the shape of a sfogliatele. It oozed a bit like a fresh cannoli. It hurt quite a bit. The mother informed me i should be in the ER. So i returned to the place we have all become so familiar with... Jupiter Medical Center. The guy took 1 look and said FOLLICULITUS. A few moments later a burly women in scrubs told me i was getting a needle to help the swelling. The needle would go in the rump roast and it was quite a needle. The needle was not the issue. The molten iron ore she shot into me was. I now know what it feels like to get kicked by a horse. She too said hmmmmm folliculitus. I believe this could be the answer Folliculitus...
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
My money's on the bird. And I'd gladly pay the price of admission.
Right now I'm back from a barbecue at the boys' school. I got grill detail, so I left the event with a fine coating of grease and smoke that needed to be washed off.
Now that I'm showered, I have that fresh feeling again. And a glass of Pimm's -- which is crap, but Guido bought it a few months ago thinking we could drink it and be more British. Not sure why that was appealing to him. We opened the bottle, drank some, and promptly found something else to drink (Top Job or sumthin'). So I've had this bottle since then and I've been trying to kill it; I just now poured some out and noticed the address on the label: 78 Marylebone High Street. It sounds familiar -- I think my hotel was on that street last time I was in London. Which would explain the stink. And the squalor.
I heard on the radio this morning that an administrative law judge in New Jersey has declared "Ladies Night" specials (free drinks for women, not for men) to be an illegal discriminatory practice -- no different than charging higher prices to members of different races or religions.
Am I the only one left in the Northeast who sees a fundamental difference between Ladies Night and Jim Crow? How did we come this far from reality? I'm so glad I'm not a lawyer--
Oh, wait...
Today, I offer a suggestion to improve the sad and pathetic state of sports entertainment; the triumphant return of THE CIRCUS MAXIMUS.
Both John and Ree were reflecting on past events that appear to make less sense in retrospect, and so I contribute one of my own. I once stayed up an entire night debating with a group of like-minded banana-heads about reinstituting the ancient Roman competetition of Man vs. Beast. Inevitably, what began as just a light-hearted comparision of its obvious benefits to the economy and public at large developed into an individual competition to answer the age-old question-- "What animal could you defeat in hand to hand combat?" I am proud to say that in a unanimous vote, it is believed I can defeat an Emperor Penguin.
I have a clear vision of the new Circus Maximus: I see Michael Buffer announcing "Lets Get Ready to Rumble....." while in one corner waits a fighter and his trainer, in the other corner a rhinoceros...and his trainer. I've also decided the name of the venue at the epicenter of all this, imagine Pay-Per-View Events live from THE OTTO ARENA
So what were we talking about with the missions again?
Both John and Ree were reflecting on past events that appear to make less sense in retrospect, and so I contribute one of my own. I once stayed up an entire night debating with a group of like-minded banana-heads about reinstituting the ancient Roman competetition of Man vs. Beast. Inevitably, what began as just a light-hearted comparision of its obvious benefits to the economy and public at large developed into an individual competition to answer the age-old question-- "What animal could you defeat in hand to hand combat?" I am proud to say that in a unanimous vote, it is believed I can defeat an Emperor Penguin.
I have a clear vision of the new Circus Maximus: I see Michael Buffer announcing "Lets Get Ready to Rumble....." while in one corner waits a fighter and his trainer, in the other corner a rhinoceros...and his trainer. I've also decided the name of the venue at the epicenter of all this, imagine Pay-Per-View Events live from THE OTTO ARENA
So what were we talking about with the missions again?
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