Best camp report yet: Cookie announced that one of the things he missed most over the week away was my grilling. Just how Mastandrea is the boy? He described how the camp staff worked the burgers on cook-out night.

"They kept pressing down on the burgers to squeeze the juices out. It made me sick to watch them do that."

This is what teaching your kids right from wrong looks like. Your sins against nature will not go unremarked. Burgers not bearing expert grill marks will be cast into eternal propane fire (not even charcoal).