This whole question of "who would whip whom in a fight" is so frustrating. I'm pretty sure it was a late-night bout of drinking that resulted in the cinematic abomination "Alien vs Predator." It was that kind of drinking that brought us Prohibition back in the 1920s.

As for me, I would never challenge Broadway Joe to any battles that involved skills related to kite-flying, mozzarella-eating, or general pyrotechnics. Likewise, I wouldn't challenge Joe-maha to anything related to chemistry, radio-communications, or tractor-pulling. As for Bazzukajoe, I would never tangle with him on sandwich-making, hat wearing, or exfoliation agents.

The list could go on endlessly, but I haven't had enough to drink. I discovered that Topps, the other local supermarket, carries Fortissimo in jugs. One of those holds me for a week. Or a long night of hypothetical standoffs.